Jokes News Online Features Russell Howard

38 of Russell Howard’s best jokes and funniest one-liners

38 of Russell Howard's best jokes and funniest one-liners

Russell Howard has grow to be one of the world’s largest comedians.

He’s simply introduced one other large international tour for 2019, which can see him name at a number of nations around the globe to play gigs in big arenas. And on prime of that, his Sky One present – The Russell Howard Hour – returns to TV screens tonight.

Whether or not indulging in hilarious impolite tales, whimsical observations, or witty take-downs of politicians, listed here are some of his best jokes and one-liners.

(Warning: accommodates robust language and grownup humour)

“Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet, people were just writing ‘f*** you’ and attaching it to pigeons.”

“You think university is going to be sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Whereas the reality is more just, ‘Did you take my milk?’”

“She’s 80 my Nan. ‘What do you want for your birthday?’ ‘Shredder!! Get me a shredder!!’ ‘What do you want a shredder for?’ ‘Identity theft.’”

“The Conservatives: putting the ‘n’ into ‘cuts’.”

“What’s the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!”

“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not for ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm… it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Did you run out of eggs?’”

(Photograph: BBC)

“Unlikely things to see in a Valentine’s card – ‘I may be dyslexic but that doesn’t mean I don’t vole you.’”

“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?”

“Music’s the best thing we do as humans, isn’t it? It can make you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don’t understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor’s wife staring at a storm.”

“I once saw a man trip whilst carrying a bag. What fell out of the bag? A dildo! Could it get any better? Yes, it hit a pigeon!”

“My girlfriend deliberately set a silly security question, so that when she loses her card she has a moment of joy. So she’d go, ‘Hello, I’ve lost my card’ and the person would go, ‘OK, no problem. I’ll just read out the security question. Why am I dreaming of a white Christmas?’ And my girlfriend gets to go, ‘Because you’re a racist!’ ‘Correct. No. Yes. No, uh… bye.’”

“If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the world’s greatest evil: ‘Mr. and Mrs. Bieber, for the sake of humanity, use this condom!”

“My cousin’s six. I was talking to him the other day and I said, ‘What do you want to be when you’re older?’ He looked at me and went, ‘A unicorn!’ And I was like, ‘Why is that?’ He said: ‘So I can stab people with my head!’”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just happy to be there.”

“I was in a museum. Everywhere it said, ‘Don’t take photos.’ I was taking a photo, and a nine-year old girl says, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘I’m taking a photo.’ She ran off, ‘I’m off to tell the man!’ Now, the last thing you want is to be chasing a nine-year old girl across a museum going, ‘Don’t tell the man, don’t tell the man! ‘I’ll delete the photo!’ That doesn’t look good.”

“English kids are the most depressed in the developed world. It’s hard to get my head around because they’ve got it all: iPads, Heelys… What did we have? Chinese burns and slapsies.”

“Some graffiti is amazing. I was driving along the other day, and there was a big sign saying ‘STOP’, and underneath someone had written, ‘Hammertime!’”

“For years I was baffled by the Chinese: all they want to do is whisper and f*** up your wrists.”

“You don’t need a theme park to have fun with Harry Potter. This is for free – change the word ‘wand’ for ‘wang’ and you can have a terrific time. I have an example for you. ‘Are you OK?’ said Harry. ‘My wang,’ said Ron, ‘look at my wang!’ It had snapped in two. The tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters.”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“Do you think butterflies get tattoos of white girls on their lower backs?”

“My mate didn’t want to know the sex of his baby. He said, ‘paint the nursery pink, because it’s going to be a girl.’ Sure enough, a boy arrives. Now he’s painting it blue, ‘If a baby looks at pink, it can turn him gay.’ He actually said that, out loud. From his mouth. Colours can’t affect your sexuality. ‘Do you want some broccoli?’ ‘No, it’s green, I’ll be balls-deep in Kermit!’”

“My mum bought a Jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say: ‘Guess what everyone in this Jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my t**s!’”

“You hear all these d***kheads, ‘Gay marriage is not natural!’ Neither’s marriage! Humans are the only ones that have weddings. I’ve never seen a duck dressed as a vicar.”

“The bible says gays aren’t natural. What, and a talking snake is?!”

russell howard pullquote(Photograph: BBC)

“If you’re offended by a woman breastfeeding, here’s a tip: don’t f***ing look!”

“If I were to die of anything vaguely sex related, or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.”

“‘Chefs who cook unhealthy meals will have their shows pushed to after the 9pm watershed.’ Warning: the following programme contains butter, and scenes of a sugary nature.”

“Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head’s showing and gone, ‘Philip, look at me. I’m a stamp?’”

“They said one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!’”

“Kids do really well in their A Levels, and how do we respond? ‘A Levels are getting easier!’ In my day, you had to do 50 questions in a minute, and if you got one wrong, they killed your Dad!”

“The BNP say: ‘It’s my country, I was born here!’ Bulls***, you came here by chance. You weren’t sitting in the womb going, ‘Mother, point your fanny towards Dover!’”

russell howard pullquote main pic(Photograph: BBC)

“I’m Bear Grylls, and this is my brother, Wolf Stirfry.”

“If you’re a teenager now you can just type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid, the only way to find pornography was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was!”

[On healthcare] “Nothing is free is this country. It costs 20p to have a s*** in a train station. The NHS is wonderful.”

“I was on a train and we went through a place called ‘Didcot Ladygrove’. I was already laughing, but my friend topped it by going, ‘I bet that’s what the Queen calls her vagina.’”

“Women still have to pay 5% VAT on tampons because they’re a luxury item. A luxury? They’re tampons! Not Ferrero Rocher!”

“Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.”

“Kim Kardashian takes so many selfies, you could put them together, flick through them and see what she’s done for a year… nothing.”

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